Citation:Rising Up

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Rising Up
Cover risingup.jpg
Treaty date: Pre-Treaty
First published on: September 1st, 2010
Race(s) featured: Turikasuul
Pages: 87
Chapters: 5
Illustrated by: Daniel Allen
Written by: Jason Bane
Eric Carter




Rising Up (Official Title)

Glider Rescue (Working Title)

Taking Up The Mantle (Tentative Title)

High Stakes (Tentative Title)

Progress and Loyalty (Tentative Title)

Flight (Tentative Title)

Changing War (Tentative Title)

Lofty Plans (Tentative Title)

Skyraid (Tentative Title)

Raising Up (Tentative Title)

Reaching Up (Tentative Title)



DATE: Pre-Treaty

This story takes place in the early history. The time period is after the Deathfeather clan has invented gliders, once glider use has begun to proliferate, but definitely way, way before any contact with the Xotron.

I don't think the location is particularly important, but it will likely take place on the western side of the mountain ring. It may be a little south of the Deathfeather's area. (Which would be inside their modern territory, since they have expanded since this time in the ancient past).



It's dark, it's rainy. It’s always dope... when the longest shot becomes the best hope.

I think this will be the art style for this story. It's dark, it's a little hopeless. It puts an emphasis on fetishes and thus clan honor.

The chracters will be well-shaded black and white, and their clothes will be muted semi-pastel (but still vibrant) colors. Tech and landscape will be somewhere in between, made of the dull gray materials of the world, but still a little more alive with color than the characters.

Make use of black tattoos.



Raaygett: Raaygett is the most agile and skilled warrior in the family, and perhaps the clan. She is a vicious warrior and a seasoned hunter. While she is not yet old and established enough to be respected as an elder, she is the pride of the clan.

Heloorus: A young adult, strong and healthy, he is a rising star being mentored by Raaygett. It is likely that he will take her place defending the clan once she is too old to fight. He is being given some small leadership abilities as training.

Feilin: A young teen, she is participating in a large hunt for the first time in her life. She is the daughter of Ulitil.

Sartuun: Feilin's best friend, he is the Nephew of Feilin's second counsin's uncle-in-law. He is a little smaller than Feilin.

Ulitil: A highly respected matriarch of the clan. She is the highest ranking figure in the hunting party and a valued member of the community.

Churtaal: A late teen Turikasuul who is younger than Heloorus but still among the adults.

Runt: Runt is a translation of this character's nickname. He is an unusually small Turikasuul. He is 19.


  • Melder
  • Tennall
  • Ouelder
  • Reithal -- a very old, very wise elder.
  • Zenos
  • Bellatan
  • Vran


  • Deathfeather Trader -- the head of the traders
  • Young Trader
  • Various assitants


  • Some raiders
  • Some guards



Chapter 1

The Hunt

Open on the flood plains, the rains have begun in full strength and the tide is rising already. We might spend a whole page or two showing the rising water. There are rapid rivers of ocean water flowing through the bottoms of many valleys into the lower places that are now rapidly filling with seawater. There are torrents of sloshing water as the tide rapidly rises. Look up some images of the water rising in that Canadian bay where the water level rises 43 some feet [1]. It'll be like that. Maybe that page or two of sloshing water should show the small herd of huge animals (mentioned below) migrating to the mountains through the flows.

We see a young adult Turikasuul (Heloorus) crouching behind some cover, he is free of fetishes and should have a young lean look to him. He has a quiver of javelins.

We see a small herd of huge animals coming out of fording a rapid river as they migrate into the mountains. They have horns or antlers or some kind of intimdating large herbivore defense, and are significantly larger than Turikasuul. There are many sizes of them, some about the same height as Turikasuul (but they're quadrupeds, so even these are significantly larger than a Turikasuul).

A surge of the waves brings a particularly large beast, a head above the others, out of the water. Think of the horses in the river in Fellowship of the Ring. The herd rears and responds to its leader coming out of the water, and they set off to the mountains. The big one trots to the front and as it passes the young adult Turikasuul from before, he leaps viciously into the air, hurling javelins as he flies. He lands almost on top of the largest beast, burrowing an arm into its thick hide near the top of it's back. We see that 6 other Turikasuul have sprung from their hiding spots. 5 of them are attacking the large group and one adult is throwing javelins at the rest of the herd, which, spooked by the pinprick javelins, begins to run the other way.

Two of the Turikasuul are young teenagers, a boy and a girl, Feilin and Sartuun. They are clearly not as skilled or strong as the others. Nor as big. Raaygett is also part of the fight.


They eventually kill the largest beast and the rest of the herd is far away, stampeding to some other mountain. Heloorus is standing on the back with two huge arm holes behind the skull of the beast. He is making some kind of cheering noise, perhaps this:


Ulitil is standing some place (probably elevated) where she can see the whole scene.

Your ambition is going to give us all a backache when we carry this meat home, Heloorus. Our baskets are already brimming. You could have chosen one of the smaller animals.
Heloorus (with a proud smile)
And what would I have learned from that fight, Ulitil? Should I have fought it alone and left the children out?
Raaygett (also smiling)
Your lesson will be carrying a double share. It will make you strong!

Heloorus flexes

Can I carry a double share too?

Sartuun, looking up to Heloorus flexes, imitating him. Ulitil does not reply but smiles at the younger Turikasuul's enthusiasm.

Feilin is climbing the hill to her mother (Ulitil) in those shots.

Now up close Feilin is speaking in a lower tone so only her mother can hear her. Mom crouches or something and they embrace in celebration. Everyone else is already showing up down below with baskets.

Did you see how well I did? And how well I hid? And when I crippled the leg so Raaygett could climb on its back?
Yes honey, you did wonderfully. I'm so proud of you. It won't be long before it's you who chooses the kill.
Feilin (gesturing the actions)
It's just like hunting narafs. Stay away from the horns and stab the soft parts.
Ulitil (with a smile, only to daughter Feilin)
Except narafs don't take five people to hunt. And ten to carry home. (new connected chat bubble or new frame and new bubble) Quick now. We need to pack the meat before the way back is flooded.

They climb down to the carcass. There are other Turikasuul of various ages and genders coming too, many carrying large baskets (enough for the others to carry some too)

The raid

No dialog in this scene.

We see them walking back from the floodplains, they are beginning to tread on the very lower reaches of the foothills. Everyone is loaded with huge baskets full of all sorts of great things. There are about 12-15 Turikasuul in the group, including all the characters from the hunt. 4 of them are pulling two sleds made out of long sticks. Two Turikasuul per sled, sort of like a stretcher, but the back end is dragging. Everyone is loaded down with lots of foodish stuff. Heloorus has a towering load, sticking way above his head. Sartuun has more than you might expect, but nothing near what Heloorus has.

Raaygett, who is near the front of the group stops the party by raising her arm. Everyone freezes and goes on alert. Raaygett and some of the other adults sniff the air with their tongues.

a rival clan leaps out (maybe 10 or so, so they're outnumbered, but they are clearly all warriors, no children or teens) and a fight ensues. If you can, during this scene, set it up so it's reminiscent of how the ambush went during the hunt. Heloorus has a heck of a time getting his humongous pack off. The two kids just kinda run scared and don't do a whole lot. But maybe they try to fight. It can be left up to the artist.

Heloorus eventually gets his pack off and does pretty decent, but an older warrior smashes his face against a hunk of coral and he doesn't do much after that.

Near the end of the battle, the raiders start grabbing people. One grabs Sartuun, and Feilin tries to free him from that raider's grasp, but with little effect. Sartuun is already on the raider's shoulder as s/he turns to leave, but Raaygett leaps into the shot from her previous fighting and tackles the raider. Raaygett grabs the two children under the arms and hoists them up. At the same time, the raiders are nabbing 3 adults, including Ulitil, as well as Churtaal (a 4th hostage). and at some point we see 2 or 3 raiders have run off with baskets loaded with goods.

The raiders are scattering, and the hunters are scattering the other way.

Chapter 2


Raaygett leads the party, carrying Sartuun and a basket. At her side is Feilin, and just behind her Heloorus is carrying a large basket, but not nearly the size of the one he was carrying before. Behind him are the remaining adults: some injured, some helping the injured, and the rest carrying baskets or dead bodies (two dead hunters and one dead raider) for future sacrifice. They all have a solemn, defeated look to them. The storms have set in and everything is dark and gray. I envision them coming up over the lip of the hill onto the flat space where the village is.

A villager sees their plight and comes over out of concern

Where are the others?

Raaygett looks at villager solemnly without saying anything with a pouting expression on her face.

Next frame Raaygett answers



Scene change that skips forward a half-hour in time, once the council has been convened to find out what happened.

It should be raining very hard.

There are fairly well-decorated Turikasuul in the council, some of them old. Some young gnarly warriors. Raaygett is here, but not sitting with the Elders, more as a witness. Somehow set apart. They are sitting inside a cement hut around a fire.

Sartuun, Feilin, Heloorus, and others from the raiding party are here. Raaygett is with the raiding party, across from the elders.

I took charge in Ulitil's absence, after the raiders ran off. We tended to the injured and brought back what we could carry.
Melder (to Raaygett)
And then you came straight here?
Yes. It took us three days to get back, even with a light load.
Tennall (to everyone / to the group, a little loudly at first)
That means the prisoners are at least three days from us. The Dreadstone will be back to their village before we can catch them.
We have to go back for them!
Melder (snapping)
Do not speak out of turn, child!
Feilin (emotional)
My mother has been kidnapped! You need to send someone to rescue her! They'll sacrifice her!
Ouelder (at first to Feilin, and then to Melder)
It is a grave loss. (turns to Melder, panel break needed here) Yet, if we raided their village, we might free our brothers and sisters and retrieve the stolen food.
If we could intercept them before they reached their village, then yes, but the cost of attacking a village is too great. We would lose five lives to save the four they've taken.
Attacking their village directly is out of the question. I agree with Melder: it would be too costly.
Then we must consider other options. Perhaps we could strike their prison while they sleep.

A very old, rather decorated Turikasuul has some still, quiet words to end the debate. He does not need to say silence to get everyone's attention; he merely stands up and instantly commands everyone's attention. One frame (at least) should be dedicated to him standing. He is a big deal.

Reithal (speaking softly)
Even if we kill a thousand Dreadstone, no one can slay the flood. The wetting season is upon us. We could not bring Ulitil and the others home for months. We would find ourselves stranded and captured, or we would perish on the return journey.

Next frame.

Reithal (to Feilin directly, sincerely, with sorrow)
I am sorry, Feilin, but your mother is lost. May she be a pleasing sacrifice to the Suul.

Feilin should look emotionally distraught in response.

Tennall (to Reithal, kind of ignoring Feilin)
You speak truth, Wise One.
Oulder (more toward Feilin. Oulder is a more caring Turikasuul elder)
A sorrowful truth, but unyielding. He is right, Feilin. It is better we mourn than keep arguing.
Feilin (desperately reaching for hope)
But... What if we used those gliders from the traders? Then we could make it back safely!
Oulder (beginning to get annoyed with everyone else)
Feilin, don't be foolish. The Deathfeather gliders are exceptional tools, but two gliders cannot fly four people and their rescue party across the sea. And even if we had more, we haven't flown them since the torrents began.
Tennall (annoyance should be getting high here)
Using such a dangerous device in this weather, in battle, is a sure way to die. It won't be safe to train with the gliders until the drying season.

Feilin stands up in anger as she starts to say her next line.

Feilin (Still loud, crying, or as close as the Turikasuul come to crying without sobbing or tears. Lashing out at the elders)
You're not even trying! They're going to sacrifice my mom to the Suul and you're not even trying to save her!
Melder (s/he's had enough at this point, and s/he's upset too, like everyone else)
Silence, child! Nothing can be done! Your mother was dear to us all, but we cannot save her or the others. If you speak again during this meeting I will punish you myself!

Feilin "stares down" Melder, leaning forward in Melder's direction. After that, she storms off, out of the meeting. As she leaves the meeting, she should say quietly to herself:

Feilin (quietly, under her breath to herself, as she marches out of the concrete hut, but she should look angry!)
Then I'll save her alone. Let them try and stop me.

Her muttering to herself should be the last frame, but the second-to-last frame should be a larger shot of everyone staring at her with a mix of empathy and pity (no harshness).

End scene.

Converting Sartuun

The first scene of the second chapter opens with Sartuun sitting on the floor in Ulitil's room. Ulitil's husband is not around (assumed dead before the story began) and so her room is decorated in the Turikasuul style with bones and skins hanging from the walls, and an area with a pile of grasses she used as a bed (Turikasuul have hard shells and don't need much softness to get comfortable when they sleep). He's just sitting with his back up aganst one wall, looking down. He is beginning to mourn her.

The meeting has ended and a little (not much) time has passed since the end of the meeting.

Feilin walks in because she has been looking for Sartuun. She should not look as sad because she has not yet begun to mourn for her mother. She is going to save her, darn it!

Sartuun! (new bubble in same frame?) There you are. (new bubble in same frame?) Come on, we can sneak the gliders out of the storeroom and rescue my mom and the others without the Elders.
No? What do you mean? I have a plan. We can't all fit on the gliders at the same time, so we can do it in two trips—
I mean no, I'm not helping you. The Elders are right.
Feilin (very pissed at the elders and angry at sartuun for agreeing with them)
The Elders don't understand! The gliders are amazing. The Dreadstone clan won't see us coming!
Feilin (continuing)
But I need your help. I can't fly both gliders on my own.
Sartuun (sad, defiant, not letting her convince him)
No. It's a stupid idea, Feilin.
I will not give up on mom! We can save all four of them!
Sartuun (getting serious and a little defensive)
Ulitil was my Wouthu* too!
Translator's Note
*A cousin's wife's first counsin once removed, which is an important family relation in Turikasuul society. Wouthu is a phonetic approximation of the Turikasuul word.
Feilin (quickly, in response)
What do you mean, "was"? She's not dead yet!
Sartuun (seriously)
We have to let her go, Feilin. We know that the Dreadstone will sacrifice her if they didn't already do it. Oulder said to mourn.
Feilin (forcefuly)
NO. I will not let her die. I'm going to save her, and if you're still my best friend, you'll come with me.
Feilin (getting super-pissed and baring her teeth)
But if you're going to sit and cry about it, then you're a coward and don't deserve to be here in her room. Get out.
Sartuun (getting angry in response, standing up and looking like he's about to get into a fight)
You think I don't want to rip apart the Dreadstone trash that took her!?
Feilin (glad to get a rise out of Sartuun because she's upset)
You're not acting like it!
Sartuun (getting angry in response, standing up and looking like he's about to get into a fight)
I just know the difference between a rescue mission and a suicide mission!
Feilin (less angry at Sartuun and more angry at the circumstances. Lots of emphasis on the first part)
I don't care! I would rather die with honor than let those inbred goats get away with this. And if I can't save our prisoners, at least I'll get a few when I drop down on them from a Deathfeather glider!

Sartuun should hesitate for a moment. At least one panel (if not two) of him looking concerned and in thought.

Sartuun (concerned for his friend)
If I don't go with you, you'll probably drop down into a river on accident.
Feilin (suddenly happy)
So you'll come with me?
Sartuun (still a little relctant, but starting to smile himself, just barely cracking a smile)
I guess I have to... I can't let you go by yourself. But when you get killed, I'm coming back home.

Feilin should very quickly give him a strong hug with her spike arms, because they are both standing now. He should not expect it. Her emotions are running very high.

Feilin (while hugging Sartuun)
If it will make you feel less scared, we could buy some more gliders from the traders and bring more people with us.
Sartuun (pushing Feilin off)
I'm not scared, but what would you pay them with?
Feilin (puffing up a little bit. As she says this, she should be grabbing a necklace off the wall with her spike thumb)
I'm the heir of my family. With my mom gone, I'm in charge. And we can afford it.
Sartuun (part happy, part reluctant)
Who else can we bring? If we told Neithur or Ralalus, they would just tell the elders.
Feilin (putting on the necklace)
You're right... stupid Neithur. Let's worry about it after we get more gliders.

The necklace is to make her seem more important when she talks to the traders, and also because she is taking charge of her family in her mom's absence and thus rising in status (but more for the first reason). In all future scenes, for the rest of this comic, she should be wearing the necklace. We probably won't explain it, but her mom used to wear it when she was younger before she put it up on her wall. Sartuun certainly doesn't say anything.

End scene.


New scene starts with Sartuun and Feilin emerging from a cave, each struggling to drag a large glider in the rain and mud. They're just taking it away from the cave, and it's darker than before because it's night (but not much darker). It's not clear where they're going, they're just going away from the cave.

They are just about out, awkwardly dragging the very large gliders. As they are sneaking out of the hold, Raaygett and Heloorus are standing in the shadows, watching them. They are not very far away.

The chapter ends with Feilin and Sartuun making "eye contact" with Raaygett and Heloorus, looking like they crapped their pants because they just got caught, and Raaygett and Heloorus should look angry (but not too angry, they should look angry for the cliffhanger effect but not really that angry because at the beginning of chapter 3 they are going to join them).

Chapter 3


Raaygett (loud enough so the kids can hear her)
Heloorus, those two are certainly braver than you are.

The kids freeze, thinking their plan is ruined now that they've been caught. They're in big trouble.

Heloorus (loudly, to Raaygett but obviously for the benefit of the kids)
You know, I can't stand to be outdone by two little kids. I guess I'll have to go.
Raaygett (loudly, to Heloorus but obviously for the benefit of the kids)
And I can't have my prized student flying off on some insane adventure without my protection. Since that's the case, you kids should probably hand those gliders over to us.

Raaygett and Heloorus are both pissed that they were raided, and the idea of revenge played into their decision to help out.

You're going with us?
No, we're going instead. It's too dangerous for you.

The kids look at each other with an excited look on their eyes.

No! We'll all go! If we leave now, we can catch up to the traders and get more gliders from them. They had four more, at least!
How will we catch them? They left over a week ago.
With the gliders! They go ten times faster than a caravan!
In this weather?
Sartuun (smiling)
What's wrong Raaygett? Aren't you as brave as "two little kids"?

Raaygett says nothing for at least a frame as she "stares" at Sartuun, a little menacingly.

Raaygett (pointing with one spike arm)
We'll launch from the eastern cliff.

We next see them at the cliff near the road they used when they walked into town, getting the gliders ready. They get on the gliders in pairs. Sartuun and Heloorus together, and Feilin and Raaygett together.

Raaygett (as they're getting into position on the gliders) (she's a little more formal with her speech)
The traders may have taught me how to fly, but I expected to practice before teaching anyone else—and I don't know how to fly with a partner. (new balloon) Hold on tight.

Artist, please draw some cool "launch" panels of the two gliders diving off the cliff and then pulling up in the rain.

Short action flight scene which is short

This could be the same scene as the previous scene. Or not. I am not sure which would work better. Artist, you can leave it ambiguous or whatever.

They fly

It is stormy

There is lightning

They struggle to fly in the strong wind among the mountain tops. Do some cool avatar (if you've seen the movie) flight stuff here. The important thing is that they are struggling; show the gliders at tilting angles instead of being completely level for some of the frames.

Make sure Feilin's necklace and other decorations on Heloorus and Raaygett (according to their concepts) dangle around during the turbulent flight.

At some point, the winds pick up and are blowing them too high. Heloorus is a good bit above Raaygett

Make the ground visible below them here, exposing the Turikasuul range of vision to be at 30 feet. They should be 40-50 feet up.

You're going too high, Heloorus! I can't sense the ground!
I'm trying! The winds keep blowing us higher!
Raaygett (yelling through the wind)
We have to go lower!
Heloorus (getting a little panicked)
I can't! How can I drop faster? Help!
Raaygett (also starting to rise and also trying to lean, talking to Feilin on her own glider as much as Heloorus on the other glider) (maybe split this into two panels)
Lean forward! Lean more!

This scene should end at the end of a page, not in the middle.

They chase after the caravan and find it by the end of the day.

Have someone say, "There! The traders have made camp! I see them!"


The next scene starts with the 4 Gloryshark Turikasuul standing on the ground, talking to the caravan traders. The caravan should be a few large carts drawn by teams of mountain goats like the cart concept on the Turikasuul Technology History page. The carts should be made from coral. Draw more inspiration from the Turikasuul Technology History page when designing the caravan. The Deathfeather Turikasuul should follow the design from the Turikasuul Clans page. Give them like 4 carts, and arrange them in a semicircle around a flat clearing area, like they were camped out like that when the Gloryshark Turikasuul arrived.

Feilin is in front, talking to the head Deathfeather Trader with Raaygett standing silently behind her. Sartuun and Heloorus are watching from 10-15 feet behind. There should be at least 8 other Traderkasuul (Deathfeather) around and watching the exchange (looking on): Turikasuul traders don't travel light or in small numbers because that would make them vulnerable. There should be more traders than these implied, because the carts should be large.

Deathfeather Trader
We offered your clan five gliders two weeks ago, and then you could only afford two. What have you suddenly found to trade for two more?
Feilin (all puffed up and acting important, working her necklace to fullest effect) (separate this into separate balloons, connected and/or no, and separate panels as you see fit)
My mother is the matriarch of my family, and if we don't rescue her she'll be sacrificed. If that happens, I will be matriarch. I have no brothers or sisters, and none of my cousins can take my place. If we fail, I will give you my entire estate for these gliders! And if my mother lives, she will recognize her debt to you.
Deathfeather Trader (skeptical, acting like a salesman driving a hard bargain, about to negotiate up the price because there is a high risk)
But if you die, all knowledge of your debt dies with you.
Do you think I will die, Deathfeather?

Raaygett is making this argument based on her reputation and fire-breathing william wallace lighting-farting skills. She should make this statement with collection and calm, like something Aragorn would say. Supreme confidence in herself doesn't need to be backed up by a threat of physical violence. She should be super cool, maybe not even looking up at him. She's trying to highlight how absurd it would be, that she, Raaygett, the living legend, would die on a simple mission like this. It would take a dragon or a god to make this mission a concern. She should stay perfectly still

Deathfeather Trader
Heh. No, you are the mighty Raaygett. You are a legend who still walks among the living. (perhaps in a new, not-connected balloon) I think you might be immortal.
Raaygett (assertively)
Then on my honor, our clan will settle the debt to Deathfeather if Feilin does not.

Deathfeather Trader looks shrewdly at Raaygett. At least one frame dedicated to this. They are looking sternly at each other, Deathfeather Trader and Raaygett, tense-negotiation-style.

Deathfeather Trader (facing Feilin again)
Okay little matriarch, I will take your oath and the oath of your immortal escort. Take the gliders. We will be at your hold in nine days and we'll be expecting payment when we arrive. (some kind of break, new speech balloon {not connected to the previous one} or new panel) May our feathers bring death to your enemies.
Heloorus (standing behond everyone, the first noise is a "snort laugh" even though Turikasuul do not have noses)
KHA! HA! I see what you did there.

Everyone glares at Heloorus, who is an undisciplined goofball and ruined the strong front put up by Feilin (whose mom was politically gifted) and Raaygett (who is older and more experienced).

Leaving the traders

The 4 of them are preparing to leave near the gliders they came on. They are setting up the two gliders they just bought.

They are about to leave the caravan. Raaygett and Feilin are prepping the gliders and one of the traders walks over. The trader is younger, but not a child like Feilin, a little younger than Heloorus. The other Gloryshark Turikasuul keep an eye on him/her from near Feilin as they position themselves with their gliders.

Younger Trader
So... your plan is to rescue four of your Gloryshark clanmates from a Dreadstone village on these gliders?
Feilin (naturally standoffish, maybe even a little threatening)
Younger Trader
Have they ever flown our gliders before?
Feilin (with a confident smirk)
No, but we Glorysharks are fast learners.

Heloorus should be in the background, struggling a little with putting his new glider together. A little bit of comedy with Young Trader's next line. Because Heloorus is an oaf. Maybe Raaygett or Sartuun or both are trying to help him now.

Younger Trader
Well, it will be difficult. I have no doubt your clan learns quickly, but I don't think you can fly with two adults. I was impressed to see you glide here with a partner, but two like Raaygett would be too heavy. We've tried this. Are you going to save children?

Feilin looks at Raaygett

Raaygett looks at Feilin with a look of dawning concern (if this is too hard to sell, we can move the "he's right..." line up here for easier understandability)

Heloorus has overheard from the background, and in this frame, he should be looking over at their conversation with a mild expression of concern when Younger Trader says his line. He should be pictured looking at them BEFORE Raaygett's "he's right" line.

Younger Trader (sincere)
And what will you do if the prisoners are injured?

Feilin just wants to save her mom and doesn't want to think about the flaws in her plan because she doesn't want to admit to herself that there is a chance her rescue mission could fail. She is not ready to do that yet.

Raaygett (thinking about the situation while speaking)
...he's right, Feilin. I thought our difficulties were due to the storm, but it was because of our weight.

Feilin looks at Raaygett and says nothing.

Heloorus (piping up from the background)
It wasn't that bad. I kept flying too high in the wind...
Younger Trader
It's not lift that's the problem—
It's stability. With that much weight, it would be impossible to keep control in a turn. We'll fall out of the sky.

New frame

Heloorus, you weigh less than me, and Sartuun is lighter than Feilin. Maybe you could carry Churtaal—he's the smallest—but I can't carry any of the adults back with me.
What are we going to do?
Someone will have to go in my place.

Pile the next 4 lines in the same panel like they're being said really fast (two panels max)

Feilin, Sartuun
We need you!
What if there's a fight!
Heloorus can't fight them alone.
Younger Trader
If I might interrupt...

New frame

Younger Trader (with a profiteering smile)
We have one more glider you could buy. If you have another child to fly it, you could all go, and the children could fly the prisoners home.
Heloorus (in the background?)
Hey! Not a child!
How would we get the glider to our village? We don't have time to make another trip.
Younger Trader
The children should learn to fly with extra weight. We can help you attach the unused glider pieces to their gliders.

The raiders look at each other

Younger Trader (with the profiteer smirk), as he turns to leave
I'll tell my father that you'll be buying our last glider as well.

Younger Trader walks away (he leaves the conversation)

We don't even know who else to take.
What about Neithur? He's small, and mature for his age.
Sartuun (same frame as Heloorus's line)
Yes, and he's shown a lot of promise in our sparring sessions.
Feilin (same frame as Raaygett's line)
What?! No! Not Neithur!

Next frame.

Neithur is a worthless bully!
We can't trust him!
Feilin, if you're going to become a wise leader like your mother, you need to learn to put your personal differences aside and pick the best person for the job.
He'll tell the Elders!
Anyone we tell might try to stop us. I don't think—
No! This was my plan!
Raaygett (getting Feilin's attention, suddenly more upset than before. preserve the extra spaces in this between EVERY LAST DREADSTONE)
Feilin! Stop acting recklessly! (new, connected bubble.) I want to spill the life out of EVERY   LAST   DREADSTONE, but I know that I can't give in to that selfish emotion! (new, connected bubble) It devastates me to remember that I was there during the raid and I couldn't save everyone. But I have to stop and think. This plan of yours might work, but you can't let your rivalry with Neithur get in the way! We can't bring back the dead, but we might be able to save your mother, Churtaal, and the others. (new, connected bubble, calming down) But if you expect us to go through with this, you need to use your head. You know Neithur is the best choice. No one else your age can handle this.

Feilin looks at Raaygett with a sort of betrayed but thoughtful look. But sad.

As Sartuun approaches Raaygett to say his line, Raaygett smiles weakly and presses one of her spike arms against Sartuun's back, the Turikasuul equivalent of putting their arm around someone. This, and Sartuun's line, should all happen in one frame.

Sartuun (quietly, looking up at Raaygett)
Raaygett... you saved me.

Feilin ignores Sartuun's line like she didn't really hear it, because she's going through her own shit.

Feilin (looking down / head angled downward, with body facing Raaygett, an emotional mess struggling to stay calm and fend off the mourning/grieving)
I know you're right... but... anyone but Neithur.
Let it go, Feilin.

Give me a portrait shot of Feilin with a sad and defeated look.

New frame, same exact sad and defeated look, but now time has passed and Feilin has a glider on.

Now do a profile shot of Feilin. Next to her stands Raaygett, also with a glider on, but make it so Raaygett has her head turn 90 degrees to be looking at Feilin when she asks:

Are you ready?

Zoom out the shot and we see that they are standing at the edge of a cliff, perhaps with ocean lapping below them.

Feilin (verbal response because a nod is harder to convey in comics. Her "yeah" tone here is much different from when she says "yeah" to the young trader at the beginning of this scene. Here she is disappointed and unsure because they have not solved the problems with the rescue mission yet. She is thinking that there is a chance they will not leave their village to rescue her mom after they return to it to rest and think)

Raaygett turns and walks toward Heloorus (who is about done with his glider assembly) and Feilin approaches the cliff with Sartuun.

The third chapter closes with Feilin standing on the edge of a cliff, peering over, lots of vertigo, with a glider strapped to her back and pieces of another glider strapped on somehow. Just have that last piece of dialogue alone on that last page, with all the action it implies.

End chapter.

Chapter 4



Some shots of the gliders flying back.

They get back (maybe a shot of them landing)

Maybe a shot of them hiding the gliders.

Shot of them talking to Neithur

Neithur (with a pondering look)
Let me think about it...

New scene, some small period of time has passed. Raaygett and Feilin are in a common room, away from the others, making themselves look busy by salting meat to be preserved for winter.

Feilin (surly, which means churlishly rude or bad-tempered; unfriendly or hostile; menacingly irritable. basically insubordinate to raaygett's authority and unhappy she was overruled)
How much longer are you going to wait on Neithur? We should have left already.
Raaygett (fed up with Feilin's attitude)
We can't risk telling anyone else, Feilin! Give Neithur his chance to decide. He would be foolish to take this lightly.

Someone (perhaps one of the guard-types from earlier in) comes up to them

The elders wish to speak with you.

Raaygett looks at Someone, hiding some concern and rises to leave, then she looks at Feilin, turns and begins to walk away.

Someone (point at Feilin)
Both of you.

Raayget and Feilin look at each other. Feilin struggles to contain her concern, but Raaygett's poker face is a bit better.

Council Meeting

Heloorus and Sartuun are in the council chamber place. As Raaygett and Feilin enter, they look over at Heloorus and Sartuun and immediately a look of dread washes over their faces; they realize they are found out.

Others are present. A few extras including the Someone that brought them in, and Runt.

Unlike before, Raaygett, Heloorus, Sartuun, Feilin, and the other non-elders sit on the floor, except for Someone and another guard that stand on the inside of the door, facing inward this time. The elders sit in the same spots as before.

Feilin should be surrounded by Heloorus, Sartuun, and Raaygett so that she can't easily storm out again without standing up an tripping over them.

You recognize why we brought you here.
Feilin (rebellious teenager, pissed at the elders and thinking support from Raaygett justifies her actions and plans)
To stop us from saving my mother.
To stop you from killing yourselves and squandering the clan's resources!
We aren't squandering anything! We bought our own gliders!
You know that is not entirely true. Neithur has already explained your plan to us.
Did Neithur explain why there are two dozen new hides in the common storehouse? Or why ten of my mother's animals are now in the common herd?

Melder looks at Vran

Raaygett and Heloorus look at Feilin.

We did find these things... Housemaster Gaarsin did not know where they had come from.
Sartuun convinced me that we couldn't take the gliders unless I gave payment to the clan. Before we left, I made my cousins carry the hides and deliver the animals.
Sartuun (kinda squeezing in a comment in his own defense, unsure whether he should be defending his idea from Feilin, or the Elders)
It's only fair! We couldn't steal from the clan storehouse!
Tennall (ignoring Sartuun)
Payment implies consent, Feilin. You may not take whatever you wish and assume it is all right because you left something in exchange.
It is still theft.
Vran (to the other elders)
Feilin left twice what we paid for them. If another clan had offered this exchange, Gaarsin would have agreed to it without hesitation. He knows we have little faith in the usefulness of the gliders.
Ouelder (to Feilin)
Your dedication to your mother is exceptional... and I must say I admire your ambition and bravery.
Ouelder (new bubble, to the other elders)
Brothers... are not these the qualities we wish to encourage in our youth? Weren't these the qualities that earned Ulitil a place at this fire? Feilin is truly her mother's daughter.
Melder (contemplatively, trying to get to the bottom of this action, thinking it was something the adults prompted)
And Raaygett...? What did you have to do with this?
Raaygett (calmly and carefully, more sullen toward the end)
The payment? I did not know of it until now. Heloorus and I knew Feilin would try to steal the gliders, and when we caught her we planned to go in her place... it is to my shame that I didn't think to leave payment.
Heloorus (stepping forward, metaphorically (since everyone is sitting down, see above))
Every day we work to repay everything the clan has done for us. It is our mother and our father, feeding us and protecting us. What could Raaygett and I have offered that we do not already owe?
These are uncommonly wise words for you, Heloorus. Has Raaygett taught you this?
No. The dedication and selflessness of Feilin and Sartuun taught me this.
Zenos (As a subtle approval of Feilin's plan so far. At this point, he is resolved that they should go, and he's just waiting for everyone else to agree)
As I suspected.
Fellow elders...

A frame of silence

Their lives are their own.

Reithal looks at Vran.

Housemaster Gaarsin will say that they gliders belong to them.
And their spirit says they must go.
Who are we to tell the clan's future leaders what they must do? Do any of you doubt that Feilin will sit at this fire one day?
One day. But she is still a child. How can we consider the future to her credit?
And how will she repay her debt to the clan if she squanders her life on this errand? How will she sit at this fire then?
If they give their lives to save their clanmates? Shall we not count that toward their debt to the clan?
Reithal speaks truth, does he not, Tennall?

A shot of Tennall. He has his teeth clenched in thought.

Tennall (reluctantly)
If they wish to spend their lives discovering whether we can fly among the crashes of lightning... then let them.

There is a subtle thing going on here. As Tennall recognizes that the majority is going one way, he comes closer to consenting to that view and being "for" that view. In Turikasuul culture the minority almost always converts to the majority position, which is why decisions are made at near unanimity. This prevents the minority view members from being ostracized and allows them to enjoy some of the glory of saying "This good idea was MY idea" when it works out well. Tennall has been one of the most outspoken opponents of the rescues in both meetings, so to save face he needs to come up with a legitimate reason why their mission might be worthwhile, even if they die.

Feilin (glad things are turning her way, and trying to be careful not to change the growing consensus by speaking softly and slowly)
We need one more.

Feilin once again has the full attention of the council.

Feilin (continuing, more confidently)
Neithur betrayed us. We're not taking him.
Neithur brought your acts into the open, as he should have done.
Feilin (turning fully to Raaygett, speaking sternly only to her ally, because the council has just validated Feilin's actions while Raaygett was shamed by not thinking of leaving payment)
Raaygett, we're not taking Neithur. Tell them we need someone else to go with us.
Raaygett (to the council, mindful of Feilin's initial objections when they were leaving the traders, which turned out to be correct)
We need someone to fly the last glider. I think Feilin knows Neithur well enough to decide. It should not be him.
Then we shall send Jortagal.
No, it must be someone small, or the glider won't be able to support the weight. I understand your desire to send a warrior, but if we are caught inside the Dreadstone village, warrior or not, we will be killed. Sending another child is the only choice.

Runt stands to volunteer.

Someone (the same someone that brought Feilin and Sartuun to the meeting)

Runt looks with disgust

Runt (with total seriousness and honor)
You have called me that since I can remember. I have lived with that disgraceful name for these many years so that when this day came, you would know that I was born for this. My father is with Ulitil. I will go, and when I return you will never call me Runt again. Instead, you will know me as Fierce.
Very well. Go to your destiny, Ru--
Zenos (new bubble)
No one shall speak your name until you return victorious.

A note: Bellatan never consents, and Tennall remains reluctant. Still, the direction and weight of the elders is clear, and everyone follows. Good example of ruling by quasi-consensus.

Storm Action Scene




Chapter 5

Sneakin' and Fightin'

They swoop in on the unsuspecting Turikasuul settlement at dusk. It should be extra windy, even if it's not raining that hard.

They fly up high in the wind over the enemy town to sneak past the perimeter watchmen unnoticed (the settlement is along a large ridge). It is thin and has cliff on several sides I was thinking maybe an extreme angled shot, looking up at a guard with the glider flying over head at a fair distance.

They find the area where their people are being held (like a jail or cage). The four of them are together in one cell, and another Turikasuul is in another, connected. This Turikasuul is of another clan (not Gloryshark, Dreadstone, or Deathfeather). This other prisoner is the same size and age as Feilin.

They land the gliders nearby on a cement hut's roof. But this building is a few buildings away and after landing they hop from roof to roof until they are on the building next to the prison.

There are two guards guarding the cell.

Raaygett, Heloorus and Runt hop down onto them from the roof and make quick work of them (bloodily). A mountain goat pet wakes from slumber during the fight and starts to runs off, and Sartuun leaps on it (also from the roof) and kills it, going for the mouth/face first to silence it because it doesn't really have a neck or exposed throat.

Heloorus (whispering to Sartuun, smiling)
Mighty warrior...

Feilin is the last one down from the roof, previously keeping a sort-of lookout. Turikasuul senses are still somewhat directional and the vantage point of a rooftop provides a different view than at ground level.

Runt, Heloorus, and Feilin enter the cell. Sartuun stays outside with Raaygett. Runt goes and opens the door connecting the two cells to gain access to the fifth prisoner, as if to set him free.

Meanwhile, Feilin goes to her incredulous mother Ulitil.

Ulitil (she already accepted her death so she's super shocked)
Feilin! What are you doing here?!
Feilin (emotionally but still with her sense of urgency, pulling Ulitil toward the door)
I couldn't let you go.

Heloorus then smirks as he sees Runt opening the door, and the fifth prisoner from another clan.

Heloorus (to the fifth prisoner as he approaches, smiling darkly, and broadly. big grin, showing sharp teeth, maybe even a close up on the sharp teeth since there are no eyes or eyebrows to help convey "dark grin")
What clan are you from, young one?

no response from the prisoner. prisoner should be defiant and already have some bruises.

Heloorus (still approaching the fifth prisoner, still smiling)
You will honor the Suul regardless.

Runt then goes to his father, but they need not be shown exchanging words. At most one frame should show this in the background, maybe the same frame that shows Heloorus frightening the fifth prisoner.

As Heloorus approaches the fifth, teenage prisoner, the prisoner backs into a corner like a cornered animal and shows his teeth, ready to fight. Heloorus quickly overpowers and violently injures the other prisoner. He elbows the prisoner in the head (reminiscent of his head injury earlier) and perhaps stabs the face with the other arm. This causes the prisoner to scream.


Heloorus stabs the prisoner in the throat to get him/her to stop making noise. It works. The prisoner has a shocked sucker punched gasping look on his face. Like this:

IMG 20101129 164852.jpg

Next Heloorus either knees the prisoner really hard on the chest, or roundhouse kicking his chest against the wall. If he round house kicks, his center of gravity should be pretty far in front of his rear leg, so he has lots of pushing power to slam the prisoner against the wall.

This kind of chest injury subdues the prisoner in a kind of semi-conscious state.


Two more guards run up in response to the screams and Raaygett (who is still outside the cell) quickly kills both of them, bad-ass style, like that chick in Iron Man 2. Make one of the Dreadstone that Raaygett kills the one that was laughing at Feilin at the end of chapter 1, to make this more satisfying. Raaygett should be smiling during and after the fight: sweet revenge. (This fight can be happening at the same time as Heloorus')

Raaygett (not shouting)
Quickly, back to the gliders.

They run back to the gliders, which they left on the roof of the building a little ways away. Heloorus carries his new pet prisoner on his shoulders like a boar:

Heloorus the mighty warrior.PNG

Even though the prisoner is still semi-conscious he cannot speak and is in a lot of pain, so he doesn't/can't fight back.


Raaygett (with new, beat-up Feilin-sized prisoner)
Heloorus (with Churtaal, the other Gloryshark teenager from before)
Feilin (with her mother Ulitil)
Runt (with dad)
Sartuun (with the other prisoner)

The party of 10, 9 Glorysharks and a wounded 10th other Turikasuul, runs as a group back to the building that has the gliders on top of it. They leave the bodies of 4 guards in front of the now-empty prison cell entrance. As they run through the buildings, a random Dreadstone looks up from working in an alleyway between two buildings making javelins or jewelry or something and then says:

Random Dreadstone (taking a moment to realize wtf is going on)
What? (new, connected bubble) WHAT?
Same Random Dreadstone (full big text)

Maybe the party looks back when they hear "raiders".

Some people come outside and start chasing them. Parkour-style chase for a block or so. Raaygett wall-runs up the building where they stored their gliders and starts dropping them down to people. The guards are right behind them and Runt tangles with a guard briefly (with a fierce look on his face), but then everyone runs toward the cliff with the gliders. The Dreadstone slowly pursue them, thinking they have them cornered. A couple of the Dreadstone pursuers peeled off to climb the roof to get to Raaygett, but with one giving another a boost it's taking them a second.

Raaygett is still on the roof with her glider.

Dreadstone (pausing the pursuit, smiling, thinking they won. Menacing. More Dreadstone should be visible approaching from the distance)
I don't know how you snuck in here, but there's nowhere left to run. Surrender.

Sartuun, Feilin, Heloorus, and Runt should be strapping into their gliders at this point, while the other 4 Glorysharks stand in front of them or help them put the gliders on. When Heloorus throws down the prisoner to put on the glider, the prisoner should try to scramble away, not wanting to be stolen. Sartuun's Gloryshark partner stops the prisoner "prize" and keeps it subdued while Heloorus gets the glider on.

Sartuun smiles really big and waves goodbye to the Dreadstone

At this point Raaygett is already ahead of everyone else, since she was handing them down the gliders. She jumped off the rooftop in the frame where Sartuun is waving goodbye.

Another frame Raaygett running toward the cliff, and at the same time Sartuun and his passenger turn to run. The Sartuun-passenger Turikasuul is carrying the injured prisoner with spike arms. The Dreadstone start chasing them full run again. The others are already jumping off the cliff at this point, Feilin + Ulitil, Heloorus + Churtaal, Runt + his dad. The experienced glider-flyers are piloting with the rescued prisoners on their backs. (Although if the limb lengths don't work out, feel free to draw them in other arrangements, as long as it looks like the kids are in control of the gliders.)

Sartuun's passenger tosses the prisoner child to Raaygett at the last minute, and then jumps onto Sartuun's glider just before they jump off the cliff. Raaygett sort-of hugs the child prisoner in an awkward one-armed catch. Sartuun is driving the glider as his passenger hangs on tightly. The child is not held well, but then Raayget leaps off the cliff, and there's not much struggling to get free after that. The child prisoner should look down and realize what's happening and cling to Raaygett to live, because the ground is now many hundreds of feet below.

They all go over the cliff and disappear from sight. We see the cliff edge with no one in sight from a POV over the shoulders of the dreadstone guards who were pursuing them (but have now stopped)

The enemy clan just kinda stares dumbfounded, they've never seen this business before.

All the gliders come up into view from the cliff edge, they're flying just fine.

Shot from behind two or three guards, looking at the gliders in the air.

Shot of guards standing dumbfounded for a frame. (from the front)

Guard Tember
They... fly...
Guard Samovar
Suul have mercy on us...

Maybe we see the teen prisoner cling, terrified, to Raaygett, unable to speak. Raaygett has both her arms in the stirrups and is no longer holding the child prisoner at all.

Raaygett (to the captured prisoner, having seen it try to escape previously, and having seen it try to fight Heloorus at first)
Not so eager to escape now, are you?

Getting back home

Shot of the gliders coming in. Tennall is looking up at them as they fly over. They circle, and we see Raaygett kick the child off her, despite the child's effort to cling to her. We see it fall (from about 100 feet) and hit the ground with a high speed, it rolls along the ground a ways and lays motionless when it stops. It lays there for a second.

Then just as it's waking up (trying to get up), Heloorus and Churtaal land on him, breaking a few of its bones and cracking its carapace. More of the clan (those that did not go on the mission) have come nearby to subdue him and prepare him for sacrifice in the coming storm.

Someone's foot comes down on the child's head (not hard, but enough to hold him to the ground)

A shot of a bunch of people gathering around, and some of the raiders handing out hugs.

A female is very happy to see Runt and his dad. Some other people (younger than Heloorus, but not much) are behind her.

Heloorus (with a smile to Runt's mom, referring to Runt)
This son of yours is pretty fierce, when he needs to be.
Mom (to Runt)
I'm so proud of you, and I'm so glad you came back safely.

Runt should be resisting the attention a little. He doesn't like being treated special because of his small size and his mom has always treated him like a kid. But it is not very important to convey all of this, just work it in his body language if you can, artist.

Raaygett is hugging someone we don't know, and a random Turikasuul (Admirer) is nearby

You are a legend. You'll never fall in battle, no matter how crazy the plan is!

Feilin is hugging her mom when Tennall comes up

Tennall (kinda lurking in the shadows)
I am impressed that everyone survived, Feilin.

Shot of Feilin and Ulitil together

Feilin (proud)
The gliders are a bigger advantage than you expected.

New frame

Your tactical cunning is beyond your years.

Feilin smiles confidently and her mom looks at her with an expression of "Is this really my child? So grown up?"

This was your idea?

New frame.

Yes, dear?
I kind of.. gave away some of our animals... and hides...
You did?
Feilin (trailing off)
A... lot... (smaller font) of... them...
Ulitil (slightly lifting the necklace around Feilin's neck with the tip of one of her spike arms, smiling)
When I was gone, you were the chief of the family. Who can question the decisions of a matriarch?

We see a shot of two guards holding the prisoner by the arms, carrying him off.

Switch locations.

Now at the sacrifice pole. We see the squirming, mangled teenager-prisoner, two guards holding him. A third runs him through with a large pole, and uses the momentum to lift him up in the air. He plants the base of the pole in a hole in the stoney ground. Leaving the squirming sacrifice at the top of the pole. Perhaps the sacrifice should scream "AAAAAARAAAARHH!". And maybe the pole should make a "THUNK" as it slides into the hole/slot in the ground.

Reithal is overseeing the business, standing at the front of the group near the guards, often with his hands up in the air religious-like. Cause he is the village Shaman.

Shot of everyone standing around fondly.

Ulitil (holding Feilin close)
The Suul will be pleased with us this wetting season.

An exit shot of everyone standing around fondly, Christmas family portrait style.... except the Christmas tree is the sacrifice being struck by lightning.

Reithal in the front. Maybe a cute young female Turikasuul is under Heloorus' arm.


  • Rising Up is the first Carpe Chaos comic to feature the Turikasuul before they made contact with other intelligent species.
  • It is also the first multi-chapter Carpe Chaos comic.